Waiting

I was watching a movie tonight that we had DVR'd, and as I was fast forwarding the beginning credits and music, I suddenly remembered life before DVRs, and DVDs, and VCRs. We barely ever watched movies at home, but once in a while, it was a big deal. The Ten Commandments would be on, for instance, and at my house, it was a production.

We'd be in our pajamas early, and have pillows and blankets laid out on the floor, and the music would start and there'd be this feeling of anticipation and happiness. Then a commercial would come on and the whole house would leap into action: popcorn that had to be popped, drinks poured, and so on.

Now it seems like we've tamed time to do our bidding. Ice cream sundae to be prepared? No problem. Pause it.

The irony, of course, is that it's all an illusion. Time can't be tamed, no matter what's been bought and paid for and no matter how universal the remote.

So when March rolls around and school budgets are painstakingly prepared, there's nothing to do but wait. Albany will release some numbers. School districts will talk about the dire consequences of the cuts. Sometimes the state coughs up more, and sometimes they don't.

Everyone keeps saying that this year, they won't. Not for any of us in the public sector. Not the health care industry, not police departments, not social services, not the public colleges, and not the K-12 public schools.

All I know is the feeling of dread. Last week, every single day, I fell asleep thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. I was sick, every single day.

This week, I'm going to do my absolute best to bury myself in my work, and be so kick ass at my job, they'll all--board members, administrators, counselors, teachers, aides, kids--be an absolute mess if they lose me. They'll all be wearing sack clothes and ashes, working through the stages of grief together, tearing at clumps of their hair.

Such images help me today. As I go through the torturous job of waiting to find out for certain, I'm just going to let myself imagine whatever I want.